Waiting.

We are now 9dp5dt (9 days post a 5 day transfer). One day left until blood test to determine our fates...

There is a lot of waiting around when going through surrogacy and  IVF. Waiting for a match, to sign contracts, an appointment, waiting for tests, waiting for results, waiting for your period, and that is all before a cycle can even start. The hardest wait of all is the TWW (two week wait).
It's hard not to symptom spot too when the biggest head f**k is not knowing if it's the progesterone or the embryos implanting or both. It also feel like forever to test day and when it arrives it's either a major high or a major low. If only we had a way to see just what was going on in there and put us all at ease.

The dull cramps that hang around most of the day feel so similar to period cramps that they are almost discouraging. When I think about this not working I want to cry and when my heart hurts and eyes water I wonder if it could be hormones causing it. It was nice to have the last 5 days off to spend with my family and give my mind some distraction.
I was having one moment in particular when I was feeling quite sad and a song came on the radio that made me smile and put some hope back in me, Don't Give up on Me by Andy Grammer. It hit home, how just because I may not feel "pregnant" right now, I should not give up on those embabies who I want to have implanted so bad it hurts. Patty and Shawn have been through so much loss it just seems unfair to give them any news other than, "this time it worked". The thought of them getting any other news than that just hurts.
I fund a little round blue jewel on my desk this last week, of course to me it looked like an embryo. I have not let it go, when I worry I rub it, when I think of those babies I squeeze it tight, when I want to cry I put it to my heart. The other night there was an amazing moon so I put it on the window sill next to my bed to soak up any positive vibes it could. I am not usually a person who looks for signs or superstitions but this little ritual seems to be calming in a time when I am trying to stay as stress free as possible.

 

Oh song lyrics, thanks for reminding me to keep my head up and smile :-)

I will fight
I will fight for you
I always do until my heart
Is black and blue

And I will stay
I will stay with you
We'll make it to the other side
Like lovers do

I'll reach my hands out in the dark
And wait for yours to interlock
I'll wait for you
I'll wait for you

'Cause I'm not givin' up
I'm not givin' up, givin' up
No, not yet
Even when I'm down to my last breath
Even when they say there's nothin' left
So don't give up on

I'm not givin' up
I'm not givin' up, givin' up
No, not me
Even when nobody else believes
I'm not goin' down that easily
So don't give up on me

And I will hold
I'll hold onto you
No matter what this world'll throw
It won't shake me loose

I'll reach my hands out in the dark
And wait for yours to interlock
I'll wait for you
I'll wait for you

'Cause I'm…

'Cause I'm not givin' up
I'm not givin' up, givin' up
No, not yet
Even when I'm down to my last breath
Even when they say there's nothin' left
So don't give up on

I'm not givin' up
I'm not givin' up, givin' up
No, not me
Even when nobody else believes
I'm not goin' down that easily
So don't give up on me

Whoa, whoa
Whoa, whoa
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah

I will fight
I will fight for you
I always do until my heart
Is black and blue