I feel like one of the more inquisitive patients of the clinic, always asking what each test is for and what we are looking for and at in the ultrasounds. This surrogacy journey I am more familiar with the tight lipped ultrasound tech and keep my questions to a minimum to get what I feel like I should be aware of. At the baseline ultrasound for our first transfer, I think my lining was around 3.5mm which I was told "looked good". At today's baseline ultrasound for this upcoming transfer, it was around 6.25, which she said was a little thick but the blood work would tell us if that was my baseline. The nurse who took my blood said if I was still bleeding (which I am) it would continue to thin out so I am assuming we should be nice and thinned out by tomorrow when I start the Estrace again.
Three weeks and counting until transfer day. Patty and Shawn are planning on driving in for the transfer and it will be great to see them and give big hugs for what this journey has brought us so far.
A failed transfer is a scary thing for all of us, questing why it didn't work and if the next will be successful. Moving forward I feel I have a different sort of hope for this transfer, without the naivety of assuming it will work, but the joy of thinking of Patty and Shaw's faces when they finally get to hold their baby. We will do this until it works and that moment comes.
UPDATE: ultrasound and blood work looked great so we start meds today!
Thursday, October 24, 2019
Tuesday, October 22, 2019
New Medication Calendar
My period has started and we have a med calendar for our new cycle!
10/23 baseline ultrasound and blood work
10/24 start estrace pills 3x/day
11/6 ultrasound
11/8 start Progesterone in Oil injections 1ml/daily
11/12 TRANSFER DAY!
As long as my uterus cooperates and things move along smoothly we will be transferring on 11-12-19, which would put the due date at the end of July. A lovely time to take home a little bundle of joy.
Fingers crossed. Legs crossed. Heart crossed. Let's hope second time is a charm!
10/23 baseline ultrasound and blood work
10/24 start estrace pills 3x/day
11/6 ultrasound
11/8 start Progesterone in Oil injections 1ml/daily
11/12 TRANSFER DAY!
As long as my uterus cooperates and things move along smoothly we will be transferring on 11-12-19, which would put the due date at the end of July. A lovely time to take home a little bundle of joy.
Fingers crossed. Legs crossed. Heart crossed. Let's hope second time is a charm!
Beta day - negative
We received the news Friday after noon, after four long stressful hours, that the beta was negative.
There were many emotions that came from this news, knowing there was one boy embryo left meant that the they would not be having a twin pregnancy or a little girl. There was much to be grieved after Friday and the hope that carried us to that day.
The clinic said that we could start again with my next cycle and I realized we had briefly discussed doing another transfer if this one did not work but we had such hope that the embryos would stick that it didn't feel like we needed to talk about future transfers. Or maybe we were afraid to talk about it since that would mean we had a failed cycle, and we wanted to keep all our attention on making that first transfer successful. I almost felt naïve at how little I worried about the possibility of a negative outcome.
After a few days I checked on with Patty to see if she was ready to even think about going forward. After all they have been through it just felt so unfair that this didn't work. But they had been discussing next steps, even creating more embryos if this next transfer doesn't stick.
So we are diving right back in, with knowledge of how a failed surrogacy transfer feels, and moving forward with hope again that this little boy with be the Little Embyro That Could.
There were many emotions that came from this news, knowing there was one boy embryo left meant that the they would not be having a twin pregnancy or a little girl. There was much to be grieved after Friday and the hope that carried us to that day.
The clinic said that we could start again with my next cycle and I realized we had briefly discussed doing another transfer if this one did not work but we had such hope that the embryos would stick that it didn't feel like we needed to talk about future transfers. Or maybe we were afraid to talk about it since that would mean we had a failed cycle, and we wanted to keep all our attention on making that first transfer successful. I almost felt naïve at how little I worried about the possibility of a negative outcome.
After a few days I checked on with Patty to see if she was ready to even think about going forward. After all they have been through it just felt so unfair that this didn't work. But they had been discussing next steps, even creating more embryos if this next transfer doesn't stick.
So we are diving right back in, with knowledge of how a failed surrogacy transfer feels, and moving forward with hope again that this little boy with be the Little Embyro That Could.
Thursday, October 17, 2019
Waiting.
We are now 9dp5dt (9 days post a 5 day transfer). One day left until blood test to determine our fates...
There is a lot of waiting around when going through surrogacy and IVF. Waiting for a match, to sign contracts, an appointment, waiting for tests, waiting for results, waiting for your period, and that is all before a cycle can even start. The hardest wait of all is the TWW (two week wait).
It's hard not to symptom spot too when the biggest head f**k is not knowing if it's the progesterone or the embryos implanting or both. It also feel like forever to test day and when it arrives it's either a major high or a major low. If only we had a way to see just what was going on in there and put us all at ease.
The dull cramps that hang around most of the day feel so similar to period cramps that they are almost discouraging. When I think about this not working I want to cry and when my heart hurts and eyes water I wonder if it could be hormones causing it. It was nice to have the last 5 days off to spend with my family and give my mind some distraction.
I was having one moment in particular when I was feeling quite sad and a song came on the radio that made me smile and put some hope back in me, Don't Give up on Me by Andy Grammer. It hit home, how just because I may not feel "pregnant" right now, I should not give up on those embabies who I want to have implanted so bad it hurts. Patty and Shawn have been through so much loss it just seems unfair to give them any news other than, "this time it worked". The thought of them getting any other news than that just hurts.
I fund a little round blue jewel on my desk this last week, of course to me it looked like an embryo. I have not let it go, when I worry I rub it, when I think of those babies I squeeze it tight, when I want to cry I put it to my heart. The other night there was an amazing moon so I put it on the window sill next to my bed to soak up any positive vibes it could. I am not usually a person who looks for signs or superstitions but this little ritual seems to be calming in a time when I am trying to stay as stress free as possible.
There is a lot of waiting around when going through surrogacy and IVF. Waiting for a match, to sign contracts, an appointment, waiting for tests, waiting for results, waiting for your period, and that is all before a cycle can even start. The hardest wait of all is the TWW (two week wait).
It's hard not to symptom spot too when the biggest head f**k is not knowing if it's the progesterone or the embryos implanting or both. It also feel like forever to test day and when it arrives it's either a major high or a major low. If only we had a way to see just what was going on in there and put us all at ease.
The dull cramps that hang around most of the day feel so similar to period cramps that they are almost discouraging. When I think about this not working I want to cry and when my heart hurts and eyes water I wonder if it could be hormones causing it. It was nice to have the last 5 days off to spend with my family and give my mind some distraction.
I was having one moment in particular when I was feeling quite sad and a song came on the radio that made me smile and put some hope back in me, Don't Give up on Me by Andy Grammer. It hit home, how just because I may not feel "pregnant" right now, I should not give up on those embabies who I want to have implanted so bad it hurts. Patty and Shawn have been through so much loss it just seems unfair to give them any news other than, "this time it worked". The thought of them getting any other news than that just hurts.
I fund a little round blue jewel on my desk this last week, of course to me it looked like an embryo. I have not let it go, when I worry I rub it, when I think of those babies I squeeze it tight, when I want to cry I put it to my heart. The other night there was an amazing moon so I put it on the window sill next to my bed to soak up any positive vibes it could. I am not usually a person who looks for signs or superstitions but this little ritual seems to be calming in a time when I am trying to stay as stress free as possible.
Oh song lyrics, thanks for reminding me to keep my head up and smile :-)
I will fight
I will fight for you
I always do until my heart
Is black and blue
I will fight for you
I always do until my heart
Is black and blue
And I will stay
I will stay with you
We'll make it to the other side
Like lovers do
I will stay with you
We'll make it to the other side
Like lovers do
I'll reach my hands out in the dark
And wait for yours to interlock
I'll wait for you
I'll wait for you
And wait for yours to interlock
I'll wait for you
I'll wait for you
'Cause I'm not givin' up
I'm not givin' up, givin' up
No, not yet
Even when I'm down to my last breath
Even when they say there's nothin' left
So don't give up on
I'm not givin' up, givin' up
No, not yet
Even when I'm down to my last breath
Even when they say there's nothin' left
So don't give up on
I'm not givin' up
I'm not givin' up, givin' up
No, not me
Even when nobody else believes
I'm not goin' down that easily
So don't give up on me
I'm not givin' up, givin' up
No, not me
Even when nobody else believes
I'm not goin' down that easily
So don't give up on me
And I will hold
I'll hold onto you
No matter what this world'll throw
It won't shake me loose
I'll hold onto you
No matter what this world'll throw
It won't shake me loose
I'll reach my hands out in the dark
And wait for yours to interlock
I'll wait for you
I'll wait for you
And wait for yours to interlock
I'll wait for you
I'll wait for you
'Cause I'm…
'Cause I'm not givin' up
I'm not givin' up, givin' up
No, not yet
Even when I'm down to my last breath
Even when they say there's nothin' left
So don't give up on
I'm not givin' up, givin' up
No, not yet
Even when I'm down to my last breath
Even when they say there's nothin' left
So don't give up on
I'm not givin' up
I'm not givin' up, givin' up
No, not me
Even when nobody else believes
I'm not goin' down that easily
So don't give up on me
I'm not givin' up, givin' up
No, not me
Even when nobody else believes
I'm not goin' down that easily
So don't give up on me
Whoa, whoa
Whoa, whoa
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Whoa, whoa
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah
I will fight
I will fight for you
I always do until my heart
Is black and blue
I will fight for you
I always do until my heart
Is black and blue
Wednesday, October 16, 2019
Week 2 - Butterflies
Butterflies fluttering around you can be taken as a good sign, but what about when they are in your stomach. I was so calm and collected up until a couple of days past the transfer then I started paying attention to little details more, is that cramp them implanting, am I more nauseas, does my back hurt in a different way, is my temperature rising slightly, why don't I feel more different... did. it. work.
I think once the reality set in that these babies were no longer in the safety of their frozen storage and now trying to find a way to bring new life into this world, it became more real and stressful. Not in a way that puts stress on my body but stress on my heart for Patty and Shawn having to wait to hear if this worked.
It was so easy the first time that it was hard not to assume it would be the same, until I read more stories and realized that we actually got very lucky having it happen so fast last time.
Though I just had such a strong feeling that a little girl would come from this I will be a little shocked if the blood results come back negative Friday. But the pressure is on, if this doesn't work there is only one more little boy waiting for transfer.
I have had dull cramps the last few days which I am praying does not mean I am about to get my period and the transfer was not successful. Unfortunately a lot of pregnancy symptoms are the same as side effects of the medications I am taking as well as oncoming menstruation, nausea, back ache, cramps.
I just wish there were more clear signs that would reassure us before Friday. The time between the blood draw and the clinic email will seem like forever, in that time we can stay in the zone of wondering if this worked the first time...
But I do know we did everything we could to give them the best chance of a successful transfer, with good looking uterine lining and progesterone levels, good looking embryos that survived the thaw, and a loving process filled with such hope.
Hoping this adventure continues <3
I think once the reality set in that these babies were no longer in the safety of their frozen storage and now trying to find a way to bring new life into this world, it became more real and stressful. Not in a way that puts stress on my body but stress on my heart for Patty and Shawn having to wait to hear if this worked.
It was so easy the first time that it was hard not to assume it would be the same, until I read more stories and realized that we actually got very lucky having it happen so fast last time.
Though I just had such a strong feeling that a little girl would come from this I will be a little shocked if the blood results come back negative Friday. But the pressure is on, if this doesn't work there is only one more little boy waiting for transfer.
I have had dull cramps the last few days which I am praying does not mean I am about to get my period and the transfer was not successful. Unfortunately a lot of pregnancy symptoms are the same as side effects of the medications I am taking as well as oncoming menstruation, nausea, back ache, cramps.
I just wish there were more clear signs that would reassure us before Friday. The time between the blood draw and the clinic email will seem like forever, in that time we can stay in the zone of wondering if this worked the first time...
But I do know we did everything we could to give them the best chance of a successful transfer, with good looking uterine lining and progesterone levels, good looking embryos that survived the thaw, and a loving process filled with such hope.
Hoping this adventure continues <3
Thursday, October 10, 2019
Week 1 - rainbows and ladybugs
In one hour we it will be 24 hours since transfer, not that I'm counting.
However I could not help but to smile at the double rainbows I saw on the wall at work. I'll take that as a good sign. Patty said ladybugs landed on her when she was sitting outside the clinic right after the transfer. And when we were up in the clinic for the transfer there were SO MANY ladybugs in the window, like hundreds. And they ware crashing into the windows outside, with surprising force, like they just needed to get in on the joy, excitement, nerves and fear in the room.
I did a little Google search and found that ladybugs mean good luck and a sign to let go, let God, as well as to have faith and not have fear. Also, it's said if they are found inside, it means someone is pregnant nearby and can mean it's a girl. Um..... what?! Yes the information was on a blog (and we were in a fertility clinic) but I'm going to go with it, especially since I had a dream before we even did the transfer that there was at least one baby in there and that it was a girl.
However I could not help but to smile at the double rainbows I saw on the wall at work. I'll take that as a good sign. Patty said ladybugs landed on her when she was sitting outside the clinic right after the transfer. And when we were up in the clinic for the transfer there were SO MANY ladybugs in the window, like hundreds. And they ware crashing into the windows outside, with surprising force, like they just needed to get in on the joy, excitement, nerves and fear in the room.
I did a little Google search and found that ladybugs mean good luck and a sign to let go, let God, as well as to have faith and not have fear. Also, it's said if they are found inside, it means someone is pregnant nearby and can mean it's a girl. Um..... what?! Yes the information was on a blog (and we were in a fertility clinic) but I'm going to go with it, especially since I had a dream before we even did the transfer that there was at least one baby in there and that it was a girl.
So, since these babies will have a June due date I think I will refer to them as Junebugs!
Patty said that people who see the photos of us say we look like sisters. That reminded me of when I was a teenager and would go to this little nail salon in my hometown, the woman who did my nails would always ask about my sister. We had a bit of a language barrier so despite my numerous attempts to tell her I did not have a sister, I finally just went with it and said "she's good!" to which the woman responded "and how are her children". So maybe that nail artist was a bit of a premonitionsist (yes, I know that is not a word) and was asking about Patty's children.
So now we wait... blood test in 8 days and counting...
Tuesday, October 8, 2019
Transfer day!
Hello October 8th! We have been waiting for you...
Our shirts arrived yesterday just in time. I slept great last night, no nerves, just this nice calm knowing we are finally at this point. Every ultrasound, every blood draw, every pill and injection has got us to this point of the best possibility of having these babies implant. Now we put our faith in the clinic that they will thaw the embyros out just right, to transfer one little girl and one little boy.
Patty and Shawn are flying in for the afternoon and I am so happy this worked out for us to all be there.
Let the adventure begin!!
UPDATE: BABIES ON BOARD! The transfer was a success and wonderful. The doctor seemed pleased with the embryos and where he placed them. Even though he gave us a scare when he was a little unfamiliar with the little tubes they were shipped to the clinic in and we thought he accidentally handed Patty the actual embryos. Good to know, he did not! The embryos were in the back, thawed and beautifully hatching on their own and ready for a ride.
Feeling: back side is a little sore from the injections but only when I sit quickly or my lovely daughter is playing around and smacks my back, almost dropping me to my knees. At least she could see the humor in the situation. The nausea that started after the estrace pills has pretty much gone away as well as the headaches and fatigue so we are going into the transfer almost symptom free!
Current weight: 169
Next appointment: October 18th at 9:15 for the 10 day blood work
Our shirts arrived yesterday just in time. I slept great last night, no nerves, just this nice calm knowing we are finally at this point. Every ultrasound, every blood draw, every pill and injection has got us to this point of the best possibility of having these babies implant. Now we put our faith in the clinic that they will thaw the embyros out just right, to transfer one little girl and one little boy.
Patty and Shawn are flying in for the afternoon and I am so happy this worked out for us to all be there.
Let the adventure begin!!
UPDATE: BABIES ON BOARD! The transfer was a success and wonderful. The doctor seemed pleased with the embryos and where he placed them. Even though he gave us a scare when he was a little unfamiliar with the little tubes they were shipped to the clinic in and we thought he accidentally handed Patty the actual embryos. Good to know, he did not! The embryos were in the back, thawed and beautifully hatching on their own and ready for a ride.
Feeling: back side is a little sore from the injections but only when I sit quickly or my lovely daughter is playing around and smacks my back, almost dropping me to my knees. At least she could see the humor in the situation. The nausea that started after the estrace pills has pretty much gone away as well as the headaches and fatigue so we are going into the transfer almost symptom free!
Current weight: 169
Next appointment: October 18th at 9:15 for the 10 day blood work
...Estimated Due Date would be in June...
Friday, October 4, 2019
Ultrasound check in
This morning we had what should be the final check in (blood work and ultrasound) before the transfer Tuesday. The u/s tech from today is the same one I saw during the my first surro-pregnancy. She is very direct and no-nonsense. When I went in for the heartbeat confirmation and to see how may babies implanted, I was waiting for her to chat a bit and gently inform us if one or both babies were in there. However, she said nothing while she started the ultrasound then said "there's two" and didn't say anything else, with no emotion on her face! Yes, I know we transferred two but it was still a shock to hear that I was pregnant with twins. The dads and I were silent for a moment while we absorbed the news, then absolutely overjoyed and laughed after about how she gave us the great news with no ice breaker.
Today was no different, there was no emotion or giveaway on her face as she did the ultrasound. I asked what she was looking for and she said they measure the lining thickness and she checks to make sure the ovaries are "quiet". I kept looking at her waiting for me to tell me my lining thickness and volume of my ovaries, but I got nothing. She said they would contact me this afternoon. Then right as she was about to walk out she said "You've done this before right? So you know the shots are coming..." I said she was correct and knew all about the shots. I may be reading into her brief words but since she mentioned the shots I am going to assume my lining was good and ovaries were quiet and we will still be starting the POI shots tonight.
Side note, while looking at a group of current articles that gets sent to my work email, one of the titles was 'Twin Birthrate Drops For First Time Since The '80s' and my first thought was "not if I have anything to do with it!"
Update: Lining looked great, though there was a little bit of fluid. We are still on for starting the POI shots tonight which the clinic says should help to get rid of the fluid in time.
Next apt: Sunday October 6th at 9:30 to confirm the fluid is gone and give us clearance to transfer those babies!
Today was no different, there was no emotion or giveaway on her face as she did the ultrasound. I asked what she was looking for and she said they measure the lining thickness and she checks to make sure the ovaries are "quiet". I kept looking at her waiting for me to tell me my lining thickness and volume of my ovaries, but I got nothing. She said they would contact me this afternoon. Then right as she was about to walk out she said "You've done this before right? So you know the shots are coming..." I said she was correct and knew all about the shots. I may be reading into her brief words but since she mentioned the shots I am going to assume my lining was good and ovaries were quiet and we will still be starting the POI shots tonight.
Side note, while looking at a group of current articles that gets sent to my work email, one of the titles was 'Twin Birthrate Drops For First Time Since The '80s' and my first thought was "not if I have anything to do with it!"
Update: Lining looked great, though there was a little bit of fluid. We are still on for starting the POI shots tonight which the clinic says should help to get rid of the fluid in time.
Next apt: Sunday October 6th at 9:30 to confirm the fluid is gone and give us clearance to transfer those babies!
If we do transfer the babies Tuesday they should be born in June! :-)
The view from NRM. The leaves are changing!
Getting ready for the first shot!
Tuesday, October 1, 2019
The little blue pill
I started Estrace on Sunday September 22nd. I don't remember any harsh side effects last time and I was also taking Lupron injections at that time. This last week I have felt a little more fatigue, some nausea and slight headaches which I think may have happened last time too and are all known side effects of the pill. Progesterone shots start Thursday after the Ultrasound. I still am not a fan of needles but I am almost looking forward to the first shot since that means we will be close to transfer day!
People often ask "How can you do that?", referring to many parts of surrogacy. For me any of the pain doesn't really calculate into the situation. Obviously I would not just submit myself to all of this if there wasn't the possibility of such a wonderful outcome, but everything just blends together in this journey as one direction and you cant keep going in that direction without all the moving parts, one of which is a big ass needle in the back. So when I see the look of sympathy on the IP's faces knowing I am sticking myself daily, it is easy to brush off and say don't worry about it because to me, it is just another part of the process!
Each shot and pill is just a moment in the day. So you grin and bear it, knowing that the end goal is like a bright light overshadowing all the little things that are part of the journey.
Shirts are ordered for transfer day! I’m drinking as much water as I can to stay hydrated and make sure the medication is distributed as best as it can, take the stairs whenever I can at work to keep my blood flowing, and decreased caffeine to increase the ability to fluff up my uterus.
One week until transfer!
People often ask "How can you do that?", referring to many parts of surrogacy. For me any of the pain doesn't really calculate into the situation. Obviously I would not just submit myself to all of this if there wasn't the possibility of such a wonderful outcome, but everything just blends together in this journey as one direction and you cant keep going in that direction without all the moving parts, one of which is a big ass needle in the back. So when I see the look of sympathy on the IP's faces knowing I am sticking myself daily, it is easy to brush off and say don't worry about it because to me, it is just another part of the process!
Each shot and pill is just a moment in the day. So you grin and bear it, knowing that the end goal is like a bright light overshadowing all the little things that are part of the journey.
One week until transfer!
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