Next steps

The beta was negative again. We were a little more prepared since I tested the previous morning, but it doesn't make it any easier. It was the last embryo, the last little boy, the last chance before more a lot more time/money/emotions/etc. will have to be exhausted.
A plan was discussed with the doctor and it looks like our next steps are to collect eggs to make more embryos. There is so much waiting involved in surrogacy, waiting for matches, contracts, cycles, ultrasounds, transfers, blood work, blood work, and more blood work! And now we move on to the next stage together where we will sit on the edge of seats waiting to see how many follicles, eggs, embryos and viable embryos will come to us to continue our journey.
It sounds like we may be looking at a potential late January-February transfer which would put a due date into late next year. My only concern through this was delivering in the winter in case we could not make it to the hospital. But at this point we are so determined to get through this with a baby or two on the other end, I am already prepping in my mind on weather tracking and staying at a friends house near the hospital if there is even the slightest hint of snow near delivery time!

I know we need to take this one step at a time, day by day, but we are all ready for a miracle so if this next year could bring us some miraculous days, that would be much appreciated.

8dpt - one line

As of this morning, the home pregnancy tests have been negative. It has been just as hard this time knowing this transferred may have failed. We have done everything we could have done to give us the best result... a baby. But for some reason, the odds were against us. I guess in IVF, the odds can easily be against you.
This time, Patty and Shawn know about the test before going into the beta tomorrow. I hope that it makes it a little less stressful, nothing will make it easier, but at least a little less stressful.
We are already talking about a plan to get more eggs/embryos and go at this again. This will give them back a chance at a girl, and also twins. At this point I would gladly transfer three embryos to up our chances. We are going to make a baby, I am confident in that. And this time we should also have the option of a fresh transfer.

7dpt

One week since transfer, two days until blood work. Every time I feel even the slightest symptom, I lean into it praying I will get nauseas or my breasts will get sore (my tell). And each day that passes makes this transfer feel similar to the first. I feel more prepared this time, regardless of the outcome, knowing we will get through this together and keep going. When I mention in the surrogacy groups that I have not yet seen a second line on any pregnancy tests, women respond with hopeful stories of not seeing a line until six or seven days after transfer, one woman had negative tests up until her beta and was very surprised she was pregnant after assuming the transfer had failed.
I bought the cheapie tests, so if it was negative, I could say maybe they are wrong. I took a test just shy of 5 and 6 days post transfer, so if it was negative, I could say maybe it was too soon. But it is quite deflating to not see that second line by 6 days post transfer. Yes, I know that some people get a positive test after 6 days but from what I have seen if you don't see a line by 6 days, it can be telling about what the beta will reveal. I am preparing for this one to possibly be the same outcome as our first transfer and will be over the moon if little Eddie was just a slow grower and is in there multiplying cells as I type.
I believe Patty and Shawn want to create more embyros, which could give them back the possibility a girl or even twins. This thought also warms my heart. I can picture it in my head, nine months pregnant, lying in a hospital bed with Patty by my side, hand on the bump, talking to her little one(s) waiting for them to come out, smiling up at Shawn. I can see it, clearly. We just need to figure out a way to get there.

3dpt - Dear Santa

The last three nights I have woken up out of a dead sleep to being wide awake. Two of the nights the pavlovian response to waking at 3am was yell "are you ok?" since the reason I am usually up around that time is when one of the kids has a bad dream and comes barreling into our room. But this morning the second my eyes opened I felt ready to run a marathon.

I don't think I feel the little cramps like I did yesterday but I swear if I try to focus on a symptom, like nausea, it gets worse (insert eye roll). So I am going to try to distract myself from trying to focus on any symptoms, since there is no way to know if the meds are causing any symptoms or not.

Dear Santa, can you please add a crystal ball to my wish list... along this a positive pregnancy test...

I am not sure if my nightly awakenings have anything to do with fatigue, but I have had a hard time staying awake on the bus home from the hospital after work. One night this week I think I may have actually fallen asleep for a moment, and had to question if I missed my stop when I woke up (I didn't). But I do remember feeling exhausted in the first trimester with the twins so hopefully this is a sign my energy is being pulled to other parts of my body for a good cause.

2dpt - Please be a zebra

“When you hear hoof beats in the hallway, think horses, not zebras.”
...unless your are 2 days post transfer and have your ear to the ground praying those hoof beats are zebras. Every cramp or twinge in my lower abdomen has me stopping to wonder, could this be implantation??? Did my temperature just rise a little? Am I nauseas or car sick? Is it the meds causing symptoms or something else?

After our last transfer I didn't feel much different, until about a week after when I felt dull cramps that were very similar to those you feel before a period starts. I am trying to stay off Google, away from percentages and success rates depending on variables of transfer, and stick with the thought that we have done everything we could to make sure the embryo had the perfect environment to thrive given the chance and keeping my eye on the prize of handing him back to Patty and Shawn come August.

Throughout the day I have felt some mild cramps off and on, some a quick and sharp, others longer and dull.

1dpt - It's getting hot in here

1 day post transfer...

Last night when I was sitting on the couch after the kids went to bed, I noticed I felt warmer than usual, a very rare thing in our house. Usually my husband is begging to turn down the heat while I threaten to put my cold hands and (colder) feet on him if he goes near the thermostat. But last night when I mentioned I was feeling a little warm (not feverish!), we both looked at each other and said "maybe that means something!", since I always felt like I ran hot during pregnancy even though I didn't have a higher temperature.
After our last transfer I had some mild cramps 5-7 days after the transfer and headaches and nausea most days, but the medications also have those side effects so I felt like I was trying to look for any signs/symptoms that would prove to us I was pregnant.
It is too soon to over analyze any symptoms, we will save that for tomorrow, but I felt a little mild cramping today which will continue my hope that this little guy is implanting and will be sticking around!

So for now I am saying Bye Bye to coffee, at least until we get to beta, (insert ugly cry) to make a nice calm environment to incentivize Eddie to hang around.

Knock me up doc!

TRANSFER DAY!
Today could not have gone better! We definably missed Patty and Shawn being there in person, and then our video chat would not work (ahhhh!) but they were able to stay on the phone with us during the transfer which seemed quick and easy! Their puppies needed them this week, and while it would have been great to have them there, especially since things went so well today, I am happy they were both home together to celebrate how well everything went today and didn't have to travel so far for such a quick appointment.
During our first transfer the male doctor seemed to have a hard time getting the catheter in the right place and kept asking if he was in the right spot which I think put us on a little on edge. This time, with my bladder a little less full and way more comfortable, the nurse (who I love) was able to see my uterus and fundus right away and apparently had a great view. The catheter went directly into place where it needed to be and BAM, the little embryo was in there! There was such a good positive vibe in the room, and I felt a little more at ease with the female doctor who I have enjoyed working with there (the same doc who transferred the twins during my first surrogacy).

Let it go! Let it go! Into my uterus let the embryo flow!

Next Appointment: Blood work on 12/19/19 (9dpt)

ERA Results and Ultrasound

We got the ERA results which showed I would be more receptive with an additional day of progesterone, so 6 days instead of 5 days of shots pre transfer. I had an ultrasound yesterday morning which showed the lining was great, they wanted at least 8mm and I was at 12mm. Yay! Then I saw the ultrasound tech measuring something after looking at the uterus and ovaries and after enough of there I knew that the screen looked a little different. Of course I had to ask, and she said there was one small follicle, which the estrace should be suppressing follicles from growing and me from ovulating. She did not seem the least bit concerned since the progesterone shots that I start today should keep my ovaries quiet, as well as get rid of the tiny bit of fluid that was in there. The last two cycles they saw a little bit of fluid which went away quickly with the PIO shots.
This time the clinic did not even request another ultrasound before transfer to confirm the fluid has gone away, which makes me think they are confident enough it will which means that the next time I see them will be on Transfer Day!
My mother told me her father's birthday is December 10th, his name was Edward so I have been lovingly referring to the little blastocyte as Eddie the Embyro, or the little embryo who could (hopefully!). I called my grandfather Nono and always thought it was so cool he met and married my grandmother who I called Nona, thinking how perfect it was that people with such similar names fell in love. As I grew up I realized their names were actually Edward and Marie and we only referred to them as Nono and Nona, which still makes me smile.
My grandfather passed away when my mom was pregnant with me, and she has told me numerous times over the years about the day they held his service at their home in San Francisco. She went upstairs into her parent's bedroom to lie on the bed and have some quiet from the friends and family gathered downstairs. She said she suddenly felt his presence so strongly that she thought she would see him sitting on the end of his bed next to her. He was a very loving and loyal man to his family and apparently has been with me in spirit since I was in utero so I am sending up a prayer for him to be with us throughout this journey and help little Eddie implant and grow!

Shots start again tonight and we have...

ONE WEEK TO GO!!